Oh how my life has changed. No complaints here but the Holidays sure put things in perspective. Celebrating a first birthday, Christmas and New Years all within a month was tiresome…and worth every minute. Last year, having an eleven day old, at Christmas, was only a sneak peak at what my life has evolved to. This year was filled with birthday gifts, Christmas gifts (WAY to many plastic toys for this girl to handle hah), sweets, traveling, and a New Years spent calming a screaming baby while the ball dropped at a beloved friends house. Wrapping and re-wrapping gifts because Crew tore into the boxes, moving most of my Christmas tree ornaments to the top half of the tree so Crew couldn’t reach them, and being “Santa” for the first time are just a few priceless happenings that indicate life’s changes.
Which brings me to this…If someone would have told me that I, at 28 almost 29, would have a toddler and one on the way, I would have called bluffs; told them they were crazy. It was not a dream or at least not a dream I had that I knew existed. I never said I didn’t want to have children as I never day dreamed about onezies and baby kisses. Now it’s all I wake up for.
About a year before Crew was born, actually on Jarret’s 30th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I remember every aspect of that day, that week…the panic, the confusion, the unknown. We were not trying to conceive and in no way did I think I was ready to have kids. I probably cried every day the first week. Just as I had accepted that I was going to have a baby, I was going to be a Mom, I received horrible news. I miscarried at 6 weeks. My first thoughts were “ok, so I’m not having a baby in October, Ok I can deal with this”. I was upset but not devastated. I viewed it as a missed chance. I thought I was just fine until several weeks passed. New thoughts of parenthood crossed my mind and that panic I once felt with the possibility of being a mom turned to panic that I would never be a mom. The fear grew and grew. I began to think I would die if I couldn’t have babies. (I cry every time I think about this and where I am today). As my doctor suggested, we waited one month after my cycle resumed to start trying again. God’s blessing; I was pregnant again that next month. And I too can remember every aspect of that day and the exciting weeks to come. The urge to have a baby was so great; I couldn’t wait to find out. It was a Friday, I was at work, and I knew the following Monday I should either start or miss my period. I cornered my family physician in the hallway (a perk when working at a hospital) and begged him to run an HCG blood level test on me. My office phone rang an hour or two later. It was the lab calling…my HCG level was 37. To those who don’t know, HCG is the pregnancy hormone indicator in blood/urine, >25 is positive for pregnancy. It was VERY early on, but I was pregnant!!!
Fast forward to now…I have my sweet, wild Crew and my “she baby” (that’s what we have been calling her…the name game has played us both) due in April. The miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. I often think about where I would be now, and the blessings I would have missed, if it wasn’t for that shortcoming. It was a kick start of the best dream I’ve ever had come true.
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